My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.