I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
oh shit
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring