You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.