They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11