Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes