If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
PLOT TWIST:
Facebook Twitter
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine