On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.