The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
bro what is going on at twitter
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
@ candidates for local office
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen