A tragic love story in two pictures.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk