My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?