Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Well, that should do it
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs