✌️
You Might Also Like
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Clients after you give them your rates
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead