Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene