100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My safe word is Worcestershire
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Hmm, not sure about this change
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*