There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?