Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
CUTE CAT‼︎
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
#dalle2