Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’d hang this in my house.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.