I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look