My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
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A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable