[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Many hands make light work
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
how was your vacation
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”