[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?