“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.