*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me too 😆
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
bro what is going on at twitter