Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
How does one answer this?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
his wife is probably gonna see that
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid