You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
You Might Also Like
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.