me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I don’t know what to do
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
But I really needed water water water
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.