interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans