After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
You Might Also Like
cry laughing at this shit
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
God has abandoned us.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!