Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before