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Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.