The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
nature’s most graceful animal
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me