Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Spring of Deception
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.