I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!