The Book. The Movie.
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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer