1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m too immature for adultery.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
for all #parents out there
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?