It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
no
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.