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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
#SuperBowl
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree