“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
WHY?!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
O Wise One….
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”