Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.