If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.