I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.