MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Twitter remains undefeated
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie