THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“