million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint