[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.