No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I would like even faster food.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!