Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.