Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.