Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You Might Also Like
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Truth
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga