Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real